Re-membering
Re-membering
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Short definition
Re-membering is a Narrative Therapy practice that reconnects people with significant relationships that support their preferred identities, while reconsidering the influence of relationships that no longer serve their preferred way of living.
Expanded definition
Re-membering is one of the distinctive practices developed by Michael White. Drawing on the metaphor of a "membership club of life", it invites people to reflect on who belongs within the community of relationships that shape their identity.
Rather than viewing identity as something created independently, Narrative Therapy understands identity as being continually influenced by the people whose voices, values and relationships remain significant throughout life.
Some relationships strengthen preferred identities by recognising people's abilities, values and commitments. Other relationships may reinforce problem-saturated stories through criticism, rejection or unrealistic expectations.
Re-membering conversations help people reconsider these influences.
The aim is not to erase difficult relationships or idealise positive ones. Instead, therapy becomes curious about which relationships deserve a stronger place within the person's ongoing life story and how these relationships continue influencing identity.
Re-membering also creates opportunities to reconnect with people who have died, become geographically distant or are no longer physically present but whose influence continues to provide strength, guidance and meaning.
Supporting concepts
This concept incorporates the following supporting concepts:
- Membership of life
- Significant relationships
- Reciprocal contribution
- Continuing bonds
Membership of life
Michael White described identity as developing within a "club of life".
Membership is not fixed.
People continually move closer to or further away from particular relationships as their lives develop.
Therapy explores:
- Who belongs in your club of life?
- Who has earned an important place?
- Who would you like to move closer?
- Whose influence would you like to reduce?
These conversations help people become intentional about the relationships that shape their identities.
Significant relationships
Narrative Therapy is interested in relationships that recognise and strengthen preferred identities.
These relationships may include:
- parents
- grandparents
- siblings
- friends
- teachers
- mentors
- colleagues
- partners
- community members
The significance of a relationship depends not upon its duration but upon its contribution to the person's preferred story.
Reciprocal contribution
Re-membering is not simply about asking who has influenced the person.
It also explores how the person has influenced others.
Questions may include:
- What difference have you made in their life?
- What would they say they learned from you?
- How have you contributed to this relationship?
- What might they value about knowing you?
Considering reciprocal influence helps people recognise themselves as active contributors within relationships rather than passive recipients of support.
Continuing bonds
Relationships continue influencing people even after death, separation or significant life changes.
Narrative Therapy acknowledges that loved ones may remain present through:
- memories
- values
- traditions
- shared stories
- everyday practices
Re-membering conversations explore how these continuing bonds can support preferred identities without requiring people to "move on" or leave important relationships behind.
Why this concept matters
Many people experiencing psychological distress describe themselves as isolated or disconnected.
Re-membering conversations reconnect people with relationships that reflect their preferred identities.
These conversations often:
- strengthen belonging
- increase hope
- reinforce values
- expand identity
- reduce loneliness
- acknowledge important relationships
- support resilience
Rather than viewing identity as something created individually, Re-membering highlights the relational foundations of human experience.
Non-clinical example
A newly qualified teacher begins doubting her ability after a difficult first term.
During therapy she remembers a former teacher who consistently described her as thoughtful, creative and determined.
Reflecting upon that relationship helps reconnect her with qualities that had become overshadowed by recent self-doubt.
She realises that this teacher's influence continues shaping how she approaches her profession.
Clinical example
A young man referred following bereavement speaks warmly about his grandfather, who died several years earlier.
As therapy develops, he recognises that many of the values he hopes to live by—including kindness, patience and generosity—were learned through that relationship.
Rather than viewing his grandfather as someone lost to the past, Re-membering conversations help him experience that relationship as continuing to influence his identity and everyday decisions.
Core insight
People never develop their identities alone.
Preferred identities are continually strengthened through meaningful relationships, both past and present.
Questions before a session
- Which relationships appear central to the person's identity?
- Whose voices are most influential?
- Which relationships strengthen preferred stories?
- Which relationships reinforce problem-saturated stories?
- How might Re-membering support identity development?
Questions during a session
- Who has believed in you?
- Who first recognised these qualities in you?
- What would they say about the person you are becoming?
- What difference have you made in their life?
- Which of their values continue influencing you?
- If they were here today, what might they notice?
- Who deserves a more central place in your club of life?
Questions after a session
- Which relationships became more significant?
- How did belonging influence the conversation?
- Which preferred identities were strengthened?
- What continuing bonds emerged?
- Which relationships deserve further exploration?
Related epistemologies
Related schools and models
Related concepts
Related methods
Related techniques
Related pathways
Key theorists / contributors
Key texts / references
- White, M. (2007). Maps of Narrative Practice. New York: W. W. Norton.
- White, M. (2000). Reflections on Narrative Practice.
- White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends. New York: W. W. Norton.
Notes
Re-membering is not about nostalgia or idealising past relationships. It is a therapeutic practice that explores how significant relationships continue shaping identity in the present. By intentionally strengthening relationships that support preferred stories, people develop richer, more connected and more sustainable identities that extend beyond the therapy room.
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