Re-membering conversation
Re-membering conversation
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Short definition
Re-membering conversation is a narrative method for reconnecting people with important relationships, figures, values and communities that have shaped their identity.
Level
Expanded definition
Re-membering conversations are associated with narrative therapy and the work of Michael White.
The term “re-membering” does not simply mean remembering. It refers to re-organising the membership of a person’s identity story.
People’s identities are shaped by real and remembered relationships. Some people, voices or experiences may continue to influence identity even when they are absent, distant, deceased or no longer physically present.
Re-membering conversations help people explore who has contributed to their life, what these relationships have made possible, what values have been passed on, and how the person might continue to carry these connections in preferred ways.
This method can be especially useful in work involving grief, separation, trauma, migration, identity, belonging, family history or lost connection.
Purpose of this method
The purpose of this method is to help people reconnect with supportive, meaningful or preferred identity relationships.
It can help people:
- feel less alone
- reconnect with values and belonging
- honour important relationships
- develop preferred identity stories
- challenge isolated problem stories
- recognise the influence of people who have supported them
- continue bonds with people who are absent or deceased
When to use this method
Use this method when:
- a person feels isolated from supportive relationships
- grief, loss or separation is present
- identity has become dominated by a problem story
- important relational influences have been forgotten or silenced
- a person wants to honour someone’s influence
- family or cultural history is important
- the therapist wants to strengthen belonging and identity
How this method works
The therapist invites the person to identify significant people, relationships, communities or figures who have shaped their life.
The conversation explores:
- who has contributed to the person’s life
- what the person valued in that relationship
- what the other person may have appreciated about them
- what values were shared
- how the relationship continues to influence the person
- how the person might carry that connection forward
- which voices deserve more membership in the person’s identity story
The method can include living people, deceased people, absent family members, cultural figures, community members, teachers, friends, ancestors, pets or symbolic figures.
Non-clinical example
A person feels they have lost confidence after a difficult period.
Through re-membering conversation, they reconnect with the memory of a teacher who believed in them and encouraged their creativity.
The conversation helps them remember that confidence and creativity were not invented recently; they have a history and a witness.
Clinical example
A young person in care says they feel they do not belong anywhere.
A therapist may ask about people who have noticed good things in them, people who would not be surprised by their strengths, or people whose influence they still carry.
The young person may remember a previous carer, a sibling, a youth worker or a grandparent whose view of them helps challenge the story of being unwanted or alone.
Step-by-step process
- Identify a preferred value, identity or story that needs strengthening.
- Ask who has known or witnessed this part of the person.
- Explore the relationship with that person or community.
- Ask what the person valued in that relationship.
- Ask what the other person may have valued in them.
- Explore what values or qualities were shared.
- Ask how this relationship continues to influence the person.
- Consider how the person wants to carry this connection forward.
- Explore who else belongs in the preferred identity story.
- Document or reflect the conversation if useful.
Questions before using this method
- What relationship or connection may support the preferred story?
- Has the person lost contact with important sources of identity?
- Is grief, separation or belonging central to the work?
- Who may have witnessed the person outside the problem story?
- Is the person ready to reconnect with these memories?
- How can I avoid romanticising difficult relationships?
Questions during use
- Who has known this side of you?
- Who would not be surprised to hear this about you?
- What did this person see in you?
- What did you value about them?
- What do you think they valued about you?
- How does this relationship still live in your life?
- What would you like to carry forward from this connection?
Questions after use
- Did the conversation strengthen belonging or preferred identity?
- Did I avoid idealising the relationship?
- Did I attend to pain and complexity as well as connection?
- What values became clearer?
- What relationship could be explored further?
- Would a letter, document or witnessing practice help preserve this story?
Related epistemologies
Narrative epistemology Social constructionism Relational epistemology Poststructuralist epistemology Postmodern epistemology Contextual epistemology
Related schools and models
Narrative Systemic Therapy Conversational Dialogic Contextual
Related concepts
Identity construction Alternative story Preferred story Relationship stories Family scripts Life scripts Invisible loyalty Family ledger Belonging Meaning-making Stories lived vs stories told
Related techniques
Re-membering questions Re-authoring questions Relationship story questions Genogram questions Witnessing questions Preferred story questions Narrative letter questions
Related pathways
Narrative pathway Family and relational dynamics pathway Contextual pathway Attachment pathway Power and culture pathway
Key theorists / contributors
Michael White David Epston Barbara Myerhoff David Denborough Alice Morgan Monica McGoldrick
Key texts / references
- White, M. (1997). Narratives of therapists’ lives. Dulwich Centre Publications.
- White, M. (2007). Maps of Narrative Practice. Norton.
- White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends. Norton.
- Myerhoff, B. (1982). Life history among the elderly: Performance, visibility, and remembering. In J. Ruby (Ed.), A Crack in the Mirror: Reflexive Perspectives in Anthropology. University of Pennsylvania Press.
- Morgan, A. (2000). What Is Narrative Therapy? An Easy-to-Read Introduction. Dulwich Centre Publications.
- Denborough, D. (2008). Collective Narrative Practice. Dulwich Centre Publications.
Notes / source material
Re-membering conversations should be used with sensitivity.
Important relationships may include both love and pain. The therapist should not assume that remembering a relationship is always comforting. The conversation should allow complexity, choice and emotional safety.
Review status
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